The confessional! I love it. We could all write a confessional--oy. Mine would include buying baby formula from Germany to curb my mom guilt when I went back to work. There are so many decisions postpartum and so little sleep and support. What is performative and what was a good idea and what was just survival tactics are hard to parse.
I wish I could say this need to be perfect gets better as they grow older. I have three teens now, and if anything it gets harder: sports, grades, college. Mothers who do everything for their kids and push them to overachieve, while intentionally giving other mothers the impression that it is their twelve year old child alone who has started a non-profit organization to solve world hunger. If mothers were more honest about the struggles of raising children all the way through adulthood our collective mental health would be in a much better place.
Great post! My first son is 3.5 and I was CRAZY about doing all the tracking, social media, sleep training, schedules, etc. I also developed severe postpartum anxiety and depression and was completely miserable. I mean he did try to kill me, I had a placental abruption lol (traumatic I know but I’m alive let’s make a joke?) My 2nd son just turned one and IDGAF this time around and I’m so much happier! Wanna eat sugar? Sure! Watch TV? Ok! Eat that off the floor? Do itttttt.
I am VERY glad blogs were in their infancy and smart phones didn't exist when I had babies. The 15 years between my youngest and your babies birth is a HUGE chasm as far as the internet performance ideals.
No one prepares you for the new judgements and comparisons motherhood brings. Like your kid wearing or not wearing a coat, whether you send your child to daycare, or even if you let them cry it out or not. Thanks for reminding me that it was okay that that time kinda sucked. Love your new Substack here! 🩷
Thank you for writing this. My kid is 9 and reading this puts me right back in that chair in his nursery where I would obsessively track how long he was nursing and dive down internet rabbit holes on my phone about how (how?!) to get him to nap. I still don’t know what I’m doing but at least I realize now there’s only so much I can control.
I loved this Jess. I was young and dreamed of having a family but….. it wasn’t easy. It was hard. My first had all kinds of issues and an emotionally unavailable husband . Was I alone really? Yes. A million years later I said let her have him…..I won’t fight for the live I always deserved .
I love this, thank you for sharing. My first was born a week or two after your daughter and I am due with my second at the end of this year. One major thing I’ve noticed about this pregnancy vs the other is how much “realer” I’m being with myself, my husband, my family and friends about the pregnancy and how I have let go of expectations and standards already in anticipation of life with a toddler and newborn.
The freedom to be released from that expectation is major. Interestingly, I remember seeking out the “perfect” moms and guides as reference points as a new mom, thinking there must be some correct formula of doing things and finding comfort in someone who shares the positives in visual and written mediums, but now I see how the comparisons I made subconsciously really tainted my experience.
I don’t have kids but this still resonated. Great post!
Love your thoughts on the illusion of control by leaning into external things to fill it. So good. ☺️ thanks for sharing!
The confessional! I love it. We could all write a confessional--oy. Mine would include buying baby formula from Germany to curb my mom guilt when I went back to work. There are so many decisions postpartum and so little sleep and support. What is performative and what was a good idea and what was just survival tactics are hard to parse.
Legit one of the most real things I've ever read. I love you for sharing this, Jess. You are human. We are all human. <3
I wish I could say this need to be perfect gets better as they grow older. I have three teens now, and if anything it gets harder: sports, grades, college. Mothers who do everything for their kids and push them to overachieve, while intentionally giving other mothers the impression that it is their twelve year old child alone who has started a non-profit organization to solve world hunger. If mothers were more honest about the struggles of raising children all the way through adulthood our collective mental health would be in a much better place.
Great post! My first son is 3.5 and I was CRAZY about doing all the tracking, social media, sleep training, schedules, etc. I also developed severe postpartum anxiety and depression and was completely miserable. I mean he did try to kill me, I had a placental abruption lol (traumatic I know but I’m alive let’s make a joke?) My 2nd son just turned one and IDGAF this time around and I’m so much happier! Wanna eat sugar? Sure! Watch TV? Ok! Eat that off the floor? Do itttttt.
I am VERY glad blogs were in their infancy and smart phones didn't exist when I had babies. The 15 years between my youngest and your babies birth is a HUGE chasm as far as the internet performance ideals.
Absolutely loved reading this with my morning coffee! Thank you Jess for shining a light on the messiness that is motherhood!
This is so good!! Love this share!
No one prepares you for the new judgements and comparisons motherhood brings. Like your kid wearing or not wearing a coat, whether you send your child to daycare, or even if you let them cry it out or not. Thanks for reminding me that it was okay that that time kinda sucked. Love your new Substack here! 🩷
Thank you for writing this. My kid is 9 and reading this puts me right back in that chair in his nursery where I would obsessively track how long he was nursing and dive down internet rabbit holes on my phone about how (how?!) to get him to nap. I still don’t know what I’m doing but at least I realize now there’s only so much I can control.
Love this so much. It’s so easy to get caught up in all the online BS about parenting to try and control the situation. Thanks for sharing!
I loved this Jess. I was young and dreamed of having a family but….. it wasn’t easy. It was hard. My first had all kinds of issues and an emotionally unavailable husband . Was I alone really? Yes. A million years later I said let her have him…..I won’t fight for the live I always deserved .
This is such an important essay. I see myself in a lot of this and giving myself a lot of grace! The tracking is so real 🙃
I love this, thank you for sharing. My first was born a week or two after your daughter and I am due with my second at the end of this year. One major thing I’ve noticed about this pregnancy vs the other is how much “realer” I’m being with myself, my husband, my family and friends about the pregnancy and how I have let go of expectations and standards already in anticipation of life with a toddler and newborn.
The freedom to be released from that expectation is major. Interestingly, I remember seeking out the “perfect” moms and guides as reference points as a new mom, thinking there must be some correct formula of doing things and finding comfort in someone who shares the positives in visual and written mediums, but now I see how the comparisons I made subconsciously really tainted my experience.
This is such an important share 💖 And PS, S ate salt and vinegar chips for breakfast just this am, why ?! bc it was a two hour delay, and why not 😆