The Only Child Argument

Must we have a reason?

I don’t think it’s a secret to anyone who knows me (or has read any of my writing in the last 10 years) that I was very ambivalent about having children. Which is to put it mildly, because I actually didn’t want to, and so it can be hard to explain why I changed my mind.

The facts are this: I had no desire to have children (for a variety of reasons). I got pregnant (accidentally) with my partner who I had been with for 15 years. We were at a place in life where it felt like we could do it, and we wanted to (my partner more than me, and he has held up his commitment to do most of the childcare and domestic labor).

The truth is I was unsure (and most people just don’t like that answer). There wasn’t some magical aha moment where everything fell into place and suddenly I knew I was making the right choice. I don’t regret my decision, but it’s not as if I fulfilled some lifelong calling and then felt wholly complete after becoming pregnant and having a child (despite the many people who want to impose that narrative on my experience).

The reality is, I felt complete before I had a kid. My partner and I had a great relationship. We had a very full and happy life. Our decision to become parents was honestly, a bit of a gamble. We were at a point where we thought, why the hell not? To put it in the framing of current discourse, it was a bit of a vibes-based decision.¹ Of course I love my daughter (I don’t know why I always feel like I have to say this to justify how I feel), but I also remember what my life was like before I had a kid, and it never felt like something was missing.

I’m not saying I regret having a kid, I don’t. But I also understand why anyone would not want to have kids. And what I find so interesting is even after doing the thing society wants and expects you to do, have a child, they immediately wonder why you won’t do it again.

Once someone finds out I have one child, it’s almost immediately followed up with, “are you going to have another?” Because of course there must be a reason (outside of simply not wanting to have more) that you would deprive your child of a sibling.

According to a recent Gallup poll, 3% of US adults say having one child is ideal. This is a much smaller percentage than the 44% who say two, and 29% that say 3 children is the ideal number.

I can’t assume why people responded the way they did. But I do wonder how much of the desire to have more than one child is influenced by pervasive myths that only children are “spoiled, bossy, lonely, and maladjusted” (the myths have been debunked).

We can thank G. Stanley Hall, an influential psychologist from the late 1800s, for publishing work that formed the foundation for the perception of only-children. Hall, who was also a proponent of eugenics (need I say more?), was quoted as saying that being an only child was “a disease in itself.” Somehow these attitudes about only children persist, despite the fact that about 20 percent of US households are single child families, and it’s the fastest growing family unit in America.

The Gallup poll was from a random sample of 2,028 adults in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. It’s hard to infer how accurate the findings are for the entire population based on that small data set. But I can say why one child is the ideal number for me.

It’s not because I’m almost 40. It’s not because my pregnancy was a living hell (though this would be reason enough). It’s not because this country provides no support for parents and caregivers. It’s not because the cost of having a child in the Northeast (the most expensive place to have one in the country) is estimated at $264k (tbh that estimate feels low). It’s not because the ridiculous cost and lack of accessibility for childcare. It’s not even because I suffered from the leading cause of maternal mortality worldwide, postpartum hemmorhage.

I simply do not want or long for another child. I do not feel a need to give my child a sibling. I love that I can give all my attention to my daughter. I love that we can afford to travel and have some flexibility in our lives and schedule. I love that I get to enjoy my hobbies and have free time (you can do these things with more than one kid, but it’s harder and more expensive). I love that I can pursue my work at a healthy pace. I can not fathom having another kid. As an introvert, I can not imagine having more than one child in my daily orbit. There is no part of me that wants more, and I am lucky (and grateful) that having one child is a choice I can make.

In a recent essay by

becca rothfeld

she writes:

This is pretty much the first time in history that women have some semblance of control over their reproductive trajectories, that they are in a position to act on some of their long-standing preferences. Is it really so surprising that they are not choosing to have children?

Of course I can’t compare having zero children with having one, because there’s obviously a big difference. But maybe, some of the reasons are the same? And because I do have a choice about how many children I have (despite Republican’s best efforts to take it away) it makes perfect sense that I would choose to have one.

While I wasn’t planning on bringing politics into the mix (though I’m always happy to), I realized while writing this how relevant they are to the conversation.

According to

Jessica Valenti

, Project 2025, the roadmap for a Donald Trump presidency, is a step-by-step plan on how the government can force American women out of public life and back into the home.

Project 2025 calls for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to become the “Department for Life.” Under this new name, the government would track women’s pregnancies, including abortions, miscarriages and stillbirths; dismantle sex education; replace birth control programs with “fertility awareness” and marriage promotion programs; allow employers to refuse birth control coverage; allow healthcare providers and pharmacists to refuse to dispense medication they morally oppose; and divert child care funding into programs that push women to stay at home.

Needless to say, this is a literal fucking nightmare.

Democrats on the other hand, have a vastly different plan. One that puts reproductive rights at the forefront of their agenda. They have vowed to pass proposals to protect abortion rights, access to contraception and the use of IVF procedures nationwide. This includes the Women’s Health Protection Act, which would restore the constitutional right to abortion. It would also shield patients and providers from criminal charges even in states where the procedure is banned. 

As the Democratic nominee, Kamala Harris supports paid family leave. In her economic policy agenda, she proposes giving a $6,000 child tax credit to families with newborns. During the pandemic, Harris provided the tie-breaking Senate vote that temporarily increased the child tax credit (which she has proposed to make permanent). During her time in the Biden administration, “Harris worked behind the scenes pushing for affordable child care legislation and an expanded child tax credit.”

And whether or not that encourages people to have (more) kids shouldn’t be the point. In a fair and just society, it’s the right and moral thing to do.

There are those who don’t want kids, and those who only want one. Does the reason really matter? It’s our choice to make², unless of course, Republicans have a say. And I don’t care if you want zero kids or four, we should all be terrified about the prospect of that.

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1. I do not endorse using this method to decide whether or not to have a child. Just saying.

2. I realize many women and girls in this country lack choice around the decision to have children. On both sides, either wanting to and unable or struggling, or not wanting to. There are currently 22 states with abortion bans or restrictions. That is nearly HALF the country. Republicans endorse a National abortion ban.